I’m taking a little break from my AI posts (many more to come!) to share a valuable lesson I learned about a year ago: anger, nagging, and cajoling will never win you the love you seek. On the one hand, this seems pretty obvious, but think to yourself whether you really take it to heart and practice it or not.

Back in college, I had a wonderful girlfriend, Rebecca. Smart, beautiful, and with similar interests, she was everything I could have asked for. We dated for four years and even talked about getting married. Unfortunately, there was a fly in the ointment—my jealousy. At parties, and even sometimes at family gatherings, I would get possessive and jealous, worried that she’d like other people more than me and leave me. My behavior got worse and worse, and her reaction grew colder and more distant until finally, she rightfully dumped me.

My jealousy stemmed from deep-seated insecurity, wondering why a woman like Rebecca would be interested in a man like me. When I got jealous and showed it, it made her unhappy, and her unhappiness made me more insecure, which made me even more jealous. It was a vicious circle.

Over the years, I’ve become more secure and much less jealous, but I’ve often thought back on those times, reflecting on my behavior and what I could have done differently. One thing became abundantly clear: my insecurity was a self-fulfilling prophecy. The harder I tried to keep Rebecca close by using protest behaviors, the more I pushed her away.

It Isn’t Your Fault, but It Is Your Responsibility

It was clear to me even then that my actions were counterproductive. I thought a lot about why I was trying to pull Rebecca closer by pushing her away. Eventually, I read about attachment styles and came across an enlightening article by Hal Shorey, Ph.D. The article states upfront: “Nagging, cajoling, or complaining will not lead other people to give someone the love they want.” Very true. Neither will any form of anger or possessiveness.

So, if it’s obvious that these behaviors don’t work, why do we still do it? Because it DID work, at least somewhat, for us at one time. These behaviors get us attention, even if it’s negative. I have heard it said that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. If that’s true, and I think it is, then our loved one’s inattentiveness feels far worse than no attention at all.

Understanding Protest Behaviors

Protest behaviors are actions designed to re-establish contact with an attachment figure. They can range from constant texting and calling to more destructive actions like creating scenes or picking fights. These behaviors are rooted in fear—fear of abandonment, fear of being unimportant, fear of not being loved. When these fears take over, rational thinking often goes out the window, and we resort to whatever tactics we believe will bring our partner closer.

The Cost of Protest Behaviors

While protest behaviors might get immediate attention, they come at a high cost. They can erode trust and respect in a relationship, causing lasting damage. When Rebecca finally broke up with me, it was because my actions had made her feel suffocated and unloved. My constant need for reassurance had driven a wedge between us, one that couldn’t be easily removed.

In hindsight, I see how my behavior was driven by my own issues, not hers. It wasn’t Rebecca’s job to fix my insecurities or validate my self-worth. That was something I needed to work on myself. Relationships are partnerships, not dependencies. Each person needs to bring their whole, healthy self to the table.

Building Secure Relationships

Building a secure relationship starts with self-awareness and self-improvement. Here are some steps that can help:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: Recognize and admit your insecurities and fears. Understanding what triggers your protest behaviors is the first step toward changing them.
2. Communicate Openly: Instead of resorting to protest behaviors, talk to your partner about how you feel. Honest and open communication can strengthen the bond between you and reduce misunderstandings.
3. Work on Self-Love: Your self-worth shouldn’t be dependent on your partner’s actions. Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself and build your confidence.
4. Seek Professional Help: If your insecurities are deeply rooted, consider seeking help from a therapist. Professional guidance can provide you with strategies to manage your emotions better.

Conclusion

My experience with Rebecca taught me a hard but invaluable lesson: love cannot be forced or manipulated. The behaviors I thought would bring me closer to her only pushed her away. It took time and reflection for me to understand that true love thrives on mutual respect, trust, and communication. By letting go of protest behaviors and focusing on building a secure and healthy relationship, you can create a lasting and fulfilling connection with your partner. Remember, it isn’t your fault that you feel insecure, but it is your responsibility to address and manage those feelings constructively. Only then can you truly win the love you seek.