“The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts.” — Marcus Aurelius

We’ve all heard that we don’t control what happens to us, but we do control how we react to it. Another way to put this is that we are leading exactly the life we want to lead. On one level, we all know this, but on another level, we usually act as though the world happens to us and we are leaves blown in the wind. To some extent, we are at the mercy of which way the wind is blowing, but if we control our reactions, we control a lot. Controlling our reactions is like having mental wings. Yes, which way the wind blows matters. It matters a lot, but far from being a victim of the wind, we can learn to harness the winds to get us where we want to go—to live the life we want to live.

The word ‘want’ is used here in a very specific sense: “what you are highly motivated to move toward.” I differentiate this from ‘wish,’ which is what you hope or fantasize will happen. “Want” and “Wish” are used interchangeably in everyday life, but they are different concepts.

Another way to put the concept is: “We all work hard towards the things we are highly motivated to work hard towards.” These things might be specific and physical, such as looking to buy a new house. However, they are more typically general and metaphysical, such as ‘I want to stay safe from criticism,’ ‘I don’t want to be a burden to anyone,’ or ‘I want to be noticed and appreciated.’ They might also be value-based such as “I want to be a good husband and father.”

Mental Furniture

The things we work towards are sometimes called our “mental furniture.” Just as physical furniture defines our living spaces, our thoughts shape our inner lives.

Poet John O’Donohue talks about the seven thoughts that shape your life, the “mental furniture” of our minds. O’Donohue talks about how just as the physical furniture in our homes defines our living spaces, the thoughts we hold shape our inner lives. He emphasized the importance of cultivating a positive and nourishing mental environment, suggesting that our inner landscape is crafted by the quality of our thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions.

Since our lives are defined by our mental furniture, we have the power to fundamentally change and reshape our lives by rearranging it. By reflecting deeply on our inner landscape, we can shape it to our desires. Here’s how John O’Donohue suggests we begin this process:

The Seven Thoughts Exercise

1. Find a Quiet Space: Set aside some time in a quiet, comfortable place where you won’t be disturbed. This exercise requires deep reflection, so it’s important to be in a calm environment.
2. Take an Empty Page: Start with a blank sheet of paper. This blank page serves as a mirror for your thoughts.
3. Ask Yourself: “What are the seven thoughts that shape my life?” This might take some time, and it’s okay if you don’t have all seven thoughts immediately.
4. Reflect and Write: As you reflect, write down the thoughts that you find yourself coming back to repeatedly. These thoughts can be about anything—your beliefs, fears, desires, or motivations. Be honest with yourself.
5. Leave It for a While: After you’ve written down your seven thoughts, set the page aside and leave it alone for a week or two. This allows you to distance yourself from your initial reflections.
6. Revisit and Analyze: After a break, come back to your list. Take another blank page and ask yourself, “Because I was so faithfully married to these seven thoughts, what were the seven other thoughts that I didn’t even flirt with or have an affair with?” This helps you identify what you might have excluded or avoided in your thinking.

This exercise helps you gain insight into the habitual thoughts that shape your reality. By consciously examining and altering these “mental furniture” pieces, you can transform your inner and outer life. This brings us to another key question often posed by therapists: “How does this serve you?”

How Does This Serve You?

Therapists often ask clients, “How does this serve you?” to explore the purpose behind their mental furniture. Reflecting on this question can lead to personal insights, as I discovered with my own mental furniture.

My Personal Furniture

The other day I was having lunch with some long-time friends, and one said they should hear from me first because I ‘lead the more interesting life.’ Of course, ‘interesting’ is highly subjective, but by most measures, I do lead an interesting life. In the last two years, I followed a woman to Qatar and lived there for 10 weeks, founded a startup, fled my home to evade the woman I followed to Qatar who then became a stalker, spun up this blog, visited Europe on multiple occasions, spent weeks living with friends, dropped 35 pounds, and started to write a book.

A few years ago, I reflected on my mental furniture and decided that adventure was more important than safety. This led me to think deeply about the story of Icarus and Anne Sexton’s poem “To a Friend Whose Work Has Come to Triumph.”

Icarus is Not Just a Tragic Tale

The tale of Icarus is one we all know. Icarus and his father Daedalus are imprisoned. To escape, Daedalus creates wings made of feathers and wax. While escaping, and against his father’s teachings, young Icarus flies too close to the sun, his wings melt, and he plunges to his death in the ocean. In Anne Sexton’s poem, she points out that while Icarus’ tale is tragic, it’s also triumphant. So much so that the story is still well-known thousands of years later. It is a story about listening to the wise counsel of our elders. Follow your father, exactly as he says, and you’ll be okay.

It is important to note that Icarus and Daedalus were escaping imprisonment. In their case, King Minos would not allow them to leave the island they were on. Imprisonment was having to do what someone else said they should do and not having free rein to explore the world. Imprisonment was having to follow the path of someone more powerful.

And wasn’t this exactly what Daedalus was doing to Icarus? Telling him he must follow a certain course, saying it was for his own safety. He gives Icarus glorious wings such that the shepherds seeing them flying thought they must be gods, and then says that under no circumstances must Icarus enjoy these wings or use them for anything but the course prescribed by his father.

And yet, Daedalus had only just invented these wings. He had not flown before. He could not be sure of the wings himself. Advising Icarus not to fly too high or too low, without being clear what either meant. His main direction was that Icarus must do exactly as he, the father, did, or he would be in peril.

But given wings (the first humans ever to have them!), is it not right that they should explore the limits? Even if it’s a bit risky? Given a wonderful gift, should we not exalt in it? Should we show our gratitude to the universe for its abundance? Or play it safe and fly straight behind our fathers to safety?

While Icarus was too bold and ended tragically, isn’t there also a tragedy in having wings and using them only to fly safely, without ever testing their limits or enjoying them? If we are given wings and never attempt to reach glorious heights, isn’t that also a tragedy? This brings us to the essential question: should we prioritize safety or competence?

Safety or Competence

Are you Daedalus, using the glorious gifts you’ve been given to head directly towards safety? Or Icarus, exalting in all you’ve been given and trying to live to the fullest? Is your mental furniture helping you fly? Or keeping you from flying?

In truth, the only safety is in competence. As much as you might try to hide away from the world, the world will find you. War, scarcity, economic turmoil, and natural disasters are all very real. There is no magic box you can hide in and be safe.

Only by exploring our limits, even at the edge of disaster, can we hope to build our competence so we can handle the rough times when they inevitably come. Only by rearranging our mental furniture and testing the limits of how high we can soar can we ever hope to reach new heights for ourselves.

Challenge yourself. Fly a bit higher than you should. Exalt in the wings you’ve been given. Push the limits so you’ll be prepared when the world pushes you.